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Bipolar Disorder: A Personal Story of Triumph Over Suicide and Mental Illness
It is my thought that as your Official Guide on Enlightenment, I should allocation some of my personal background and experiences so that you can obtain to comprehend me and understand where I stand.
I've had a life absolute of suffering but if you are to truly notice blessings, you dearth to go through suffering and exuberance over it.
I personally don't surmise you can overcome genuine crises without acquiring spirituality.
If anyone wishes to influence me, please email me at or dub me at 561-735-7958
Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder
Like in Alcoholics Anonymous, I sometimes wanted to shriek to the world, “I am a Bipolar. ” Why? Because I was severe for aid when I best contracted Bipolar Disease, but aid was not forthcoming. Oh yes, there were the electroshock treatments that in 1991 made me a blithering idiot or in 1995 temporarily lifted my uneasy clinical melancholy for one entire week before submerging me again in drudgery.
During this week of freedom, I was so carefree that my melancholy had lifted that I stupidly gave up my inclination expression disability and mutual to my professorial duties at Stony Brook University on Long Island, New York. When the misery returned, all of a sudden I was gone from the university for a spell that lasted five years.
I had to reapply and earn re-approved for my crave word disability.
The paperwork should posses taken me at most a brace of hours.
Instead like my original application, it took me three weeks.
That’s how laborious it was for me to do anything. It would be three years second before the discredit of this ailment allowed me to once other face my university colleagues through attending my companion and colleague Bill’s retirement party.
From 1991 through 1995, I was hospitalized four to five times, each situation for several weeks in three different hospitals.
I hated it each time.
I couldn’t wear my hairpiece and when that door locked me in the psychiatric ward, I knew I was trapped in a cosmos I detested.
Oftentimes, I would stratagem my evade in that I would hasp out the door with visitors after visiting hours, but I never found the courage to do so. Had I tried and failed, I envisioned being placed in a straightjacket like in the movies.
I had sunk pretty low from being an prudent Professor scientist who now accepted his stack that this is the way his missing life would be from here on in.
In March of 1995, I tactical my suicide.
I had verbal to a patient in one of my hospital visits who described her suicide attempt with an overdose of pills.
She sighed when she told me that her experience was not a sake one but I wasn’t listening. I had been a capsule taker all my life, so I believed I finally had found a system out of a system that was telling me that there was no practice out.
Only through Divine Providence of God coming to my wife Marcia am I alive today.
And I’m so gloomy now that Marcia passed on March 18, 2011. She saved my life but I wasn’t able to reuse hers.
I took drugs for the voices I heard in my master and for the psychosis that accompanied my mania. The company effects of the drugs were involuntary twitching of the lips, brain fog, and tremors to the point that I could not figure my name.
The antidepressant drugs that I tried never worked and only months of the track of time brought me out of my episodes of harsh clinical depression.
My only respite was the two hours of land that I got from sheer prostration each night.
I’ve never figured out why land was able to provide that relief but in retrospect, the doctors should obtain heavily sedated me with the most powerful sleeping pills.
After all, isn’t that what they do, oversee drugs? The three different psychiatrists that I had during this circumstance term never really talked to me, never got at what I was feeling. Their role was to provide their patients with pharmaceuticals regardless of drug bunch effects.
When all else failed, I resorted to suicide by swallowing 200 aspirin and codeine pills that my mother had brought me from Toronto. At the time, my wife Marcia and my youngest daughter Erin were shopping forty-five minutes away from our home.
They had no concept about what I had planned.
I opened the two bottles of pills and took one or two pills at first, followed by four then six then eight.
I was a pro at taking pills and the two hundred pills disappeared into my belly in reasonable fifteen or twenty minutes.
I went to lie down and finally after months of finding it impossible to find a cranny for myself, I felt at peace.
It was too unpunctual to contrary the process and I was waiting to see that decorate that relatives who retain survived brewing death experiences prate about.
Oops, I realized that I hadn’t written a suicide dispatch to Marcia and the family.
Nor had I recorded the date for posterity.
I was certain, however, that I was going to die.
Meanwhile a miraculous intervention was occurring at the diner 45 minutes away by car. Erin and Marcia had reasonable ordered lunch when Marcia oral to Erin, “We own to go. Something’s wrong with dad.
” When they showed up back at the accommodation and woke me up, I blurted out what I had done.
Marcia immediately called 911 and the Nesconset, Long Island Fire Department responded within minutes.
I initially refused to be taken to the emergency room, but Marcia pleaded with them and me.
The sadness and desperation on her guise changed my humour and all of a sudden I was being lifted off our king-size bed onto a stretcher. With sirens blasting, I found myself in a surreal state.
There were no beds at the emergency room, only an uncomfortable short stretcher in an tune conditioned room with decided overhead fluorescent lights.
I was freezing and had to pee.
An unkind boost provided a metal urinal and I missed and urine was all over the sheet cope the stretcher. The promote was less than compassionate.
I felt humiliated and embarrassed, and within minutes someone placed a catheter into my penis.
The catheter was painful and never should own been inserted.
The worse was yet to come as doctors and nurses stood over me while they pumped my stomach. They kept inserting this stinking channel through my nose.
I was wishing it was over and finally for what seemed like forever, it was over, as everyone left.
After further juncture had elapsed, of which I have no account, I remember finally being transferred to a bed that actually accommodated my 6 foot 2 inch height.
That was the last body I remembered as I was in and out and mainly out sleeping for the succeeding 48 to 72 hours.
The caring tend on dutifulness had told Marcia that they didn’t comprehend whether I was going to make it.
I had fallen down a bottomless crater and finally hit bottom. I was embarrassed and ashamed but didn’t sense how I would keep to exterior this agitated clinical depression.
Days later, I made a second easily try at suicide with sixteen pills, dormant considered an overdose, and had my tummy pumped again.
Marcia was fed up and dumped me without a canoodle goodbye on the steps of the admissions office of the South Oaks Psychiatric Hospital. I dreaded returning and felt that this was the closing of the train and the end of my freedom. This is where I would remain for the final of my days.
I had hallucinated and empirical my hairdressers with orange and purple hair and practical wickedness in paintings and people.
I had delusions of grandeur cognitive I was the Messiah. In my 1991 episode, I played chess with Saddam Hussein as we strategized during the boon Gulf War. Ironically, I didn’t gambit chess.
I even called the White House to gossip to Barbara Bush to apportion her my advice for ending the war. I had experienced psychosis at the peak of my mania and I had crashed to forceful dejection to the ultimate bottom, suicide.
Several months latter when I had miraculously recovered without the offices of drugs from my suicide attempt and nervous depression, I found myself at a rational ailment help group. The meeting was attended by parents of children who had the infection and I qualified because in August of 1994 and June of 1995, my coupled sons, Sean and Seth had their boon bouts respectively of Bipolar Disorder. I always felt that I was destined to obtain the illness at age 50 so I could credit what they were and are passive going through. I was the best to obtain Bipolar Disorder in the family.
My father suffered from depression but never experienced mania. My psychiatrist felt that the mania probably came from my mother who he suggested was hypo-manic. Identical twin studies retain shown that Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression as the sickness used to be called, is genetic in about half the cases.
That practice that half the point only one similar double has the illness.
Where both twins are sick, you sometimes see one with Bipolar Disorder and the later with Schizoaffective Disorder or Schizophrenia. The “schizo” attachment signifies an other opinion infection that can accompany the equivalent mania and psychosis as observed in Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar as its duration implies is different than the “schizo” disorders in that it is a nature illness with swings from the gangling of mania to the low of depression.
All types of analytical indisposition are chemical imbalances in the brain and are not the slip of the forlorn and often surprised recipient who is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
No one knows the surpass of Bipolar Disorder and after doing regressive therapy back to my mothers womb, I am not at all convinced that a genetic answer in families such as mine is the vanguard for transmission to young like my sons.
There is so much bio-electric venture occurring in the womb, especially in the birth canal brother to birth, that may amend the neurotransmitters’ and hormones’ amounts and actions to coagulate the stage latter for the onslaught of the disease.
Often the sickness is not diagnosed for years because it seems that inability to do homework or axis in school can be explained by other problems such as attention deficit indisposition or stress deficit hyperactive disorder. The textbooks talk about Bipolar Disorder being diagnosed in young as early as age 8 but my wife Marcia was a special erudition pedagogue and she clear the attitude swings of the mania and despair of Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression in some of her 4 year olds.
Most people are diagnosed in their teens or twenties like my sons.
There is a smaller team who come down with the malady at about age 40. Rarely does one see anyone like myself at age 50. A successors doctor, a pediatrician, in his dilatory forties once stopped by my office at the university equitable to meet me and know that there was someone else like him who had the sickness at such an older age in life.
He too was the first in his heirs and had to donate up his medical practice.
I hope that I gave him hope.
I was out of the university for five years on a want title disability and had impartial reciprocal to Stony Brook to once again transact up my professorial duties when this fine offspring man stopped by.
It’s a humiliation that cerebral indisposition passive has the stigma attached to it although with additional celebrities speaking about the diseases, we are seeing fresh awareness and harmony from the public. I often think that the mentally ill are allowance of a group forgotten by society.
Young kin in particular assume that you can reasonable will yourself back to health. You cannot.
You won’t go into remission from a particular circumstance of Bipolar Disorder until the chemical imbalance is restored in your brain to some style we might dub normalcy.
After years of receipt drugs, that department of normalcy may not be the alike as your brain was before you ever acquired the disease.
Bipolar Disorder is like a tree stump. It stumps your life.
Some family never assignment again and those that do are hampered.
Rare ones like myself are sacred to return to a higher level of occupation.
The sickness is often the cause of job loss, conjugal tension and divorce, and addiction to nature refining drugs and alcohol. All the Bipolars I met in the hospital for some cause that I cannot notice smoked.
Traditional Bipolar is diagnosed by mania followed by depression, but the illness takes on different forms with specific medical terminology.
The closing is eminent but what’s further revered is to realize that Bipolar Disorder is different for everyone and each individual happening can be different with typical patterns.
My indisposition is different from my dual sons, Seth and Sean, and theirs is different from each other. How would genetics explain their differences unless influenced further by environment?
There are a mountain of misconceptions out there, but when kin secure ended their fears and ignorance, they will sometimes ask me what is the difference between hypo-mania and mania. From my perspective, mania is a fresh drastic earth of brain activity.
In hypo-mania, you may inert be able to scale the partner and attain him offices before he has a full blown episode.
In mania, the comrade hears your voice but he or she is really not listening to you. You can’t compass a friend in their manic sector unless they finally calmness down with the help of drugs or they somehow know themselves, like I did, that it’s point to seek backing or you commit avoid your mind.
People furthermore sheepishly ask me what my suicide attempt was like.
Bloody mighty and demeaning I answer. I remember at that aegis band the social hand asking for someone to begin.
Immediately, a duchess sitting beside me jumped at the materialize and spoken phenomenon I had never heard before.
“Bipolar Disorder is a terminal illness.
” No psychiatrist had ever expressed these utterance and they seemed to be floating in the rhythm as I tried to grab onto them and internalize them in my brain.
The woman, whose husband was sitting solemnly beside her, was somber as she spoke lovingly about her son who blew his brains out with a gun.
Thank God I took pills or that could have been me.
The duchess told of her son’s countless cries for support that went unanswered.
When the coordinator of the side asked me to talk next, I wanted this woman to accept that I understood, so I described my suicide attempt.
This news has always struck a melancholy chord in me and makes me thankful that I am quiescent here.
It brings up such varied passion in me.
There is stagnant much to accept about Bipolar Disorder and lest relatives reckon I am anti-drug, I am not.
In the invalid days without disposition stabilizers such as lithium and the neuroleptics (anti-psychotics), they threw you into the loony bin and you never came out.
It’s quiescent a crap burgeon in the point of the antidepressants.
However, if you find the repair one you commit canoodle the burrow and thank God every day.
You can keep clinical depression without Bipolar Disorder and it is similar. In my case, the melancholy was varied with an unyielding agitation of the mania allowance of my illness.
I was given zero for the Akithisia as the doctors remit to it and I could sit stagnant for just a few seconds.
It was horrific and that’s when I blatant to finally latter it all. Thank God for God coming to Marcia. I would never keep admitted that I would hold ever come up had I not survived.
I hope that my information gives hope to folks who are struggling today that every parentage is allowance of an ascent to ensue as wanting as you stay the course.
Today I axis on God and build my hallowed strength. With God's help, I posses kicked Bipolar Disorder out of my thing and keep not had an event since the suicide attempts in 1995. My twins are on the rotation to their retain spirituality and they are obtaining correct with their cognitive illnesses.