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Bipolar Disorder: A Personal Story of Triumph Over Suicide and Mental Illness
It is my idea that as your Official Guide on Enlightenment, I should quota some of my personal background and experiences so that you can get to recognize me and know where I stand.
I've had a life perfect of suffering but if you are to truly recognize blessings, you want to go through suffering and jubilation over it.
I personally don't assume you can overcome genuine crises without acquiring spirituality.
If anyone wishes to collision me, please email me at or designate me at 561-735-7958
Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder
Like in Alcoholics Anonymous, I sometimes wanted to shout to the world, “I am a Bipolar.
” Why? Because I was severe for aegis when I top contracted Bipolar Disease, but support was not forthcoming.
Oh yes, there were the electroshock treatments that in 1991 made me a blithering idiot or in 1995 temporarily lifted my jittery clinical melancholy for one perfect week before submerging me again in drudgery.
During this week of freedom, I was so cheerful that my misery had lifted that I stupidly gave up my desire phrase disability and common to my professorial duties at Stony Brook University on Long Island, New York.
When the misery returned, all of a sudden I was bygone from the university for a name that lasted five years.
I had to reapply and secure re-approved for my enthusiasm period disability.
The paperwork should hold taken me at most a yoke of hours.
Instead like my original application, it took me three weeks.
That’s how fatiguing it was for me to do anything.
It would be three years later before the dishonour of this sickness allowed me to once supplementary appearance my university colleagues through attending my individual and colleague Bill’s retirement party.
From 1991 through 1995, I was hospitalized four to five times, each occasion for several weeks in three different hospitals.
I hated it each time.
I couldn’t wear my hairpiece and when that door locked me in the psychiatric ward, I knew I was trapped in a creation I detested.
Oftentimes, I would tactic my dodge in that I would catch out the door with visitors after visiting hours, but I never found the courage to do so.
Had I tried and failed, I envisioned being placed in a straightjacket like in the movies.
I had sunk pretty low from being an politic Professor scientist who now accepted his stockpile that this is the fashion his missing life would be from here on in.
In March of 1995, I planned my suicide.
I had verbal to a patient in one of my hospital visits who described her suicide attempt with an overdose of pills.
She sighed when she told me that her experience was not a good one but I wasn’t listening.
I had been a pellet taker all my life, so I believed I finally had found a style out of a globe that was telling me that there was no routine out.
Only through Divine Providence of God coming to my wife Marcia am I alive today.
And I’m so unhappy now that Marcia passed on March 18, 2011.
She saved my life but I wasn’t able to reprocess hers.
I took drugs for the voices I heard in my head and for the psychosis that accompanied my mania.
The band effects of the drugs were involuntary twitching of the lips, brain fog, and tremors to the dot that I could not device my name.
The antidepressant drugs that I tried never worked and only months of the pathway of instance brought me out of my episodes of forceful clinical depression.
My only respite was the two hours of berth that I got from sheer fatigue each night.
I’ve never figured out why moor was able to provide that relief but in retrospect, the doctors should hold heavily sedated me with the most redoubtable sleeping pills.
After all, isn’t that what they do, direct drugs? The three different psychiatrists that I had during this occasion period never really talked to me, never got at what I was feeling.
Their role was to provide their patients with pharmaceuticals regardless of drug company effects.
When all else failed, I resorted to suicide by swallowing 200 aspirin and codeine pills that my mother had brought me from Toronto.
At the time, my wife Marcia and my youngest daughter Erin were shopping forty-five minutes away from our home.
They had no concept about what I had planned.
I opened the two bottles of pills and took one or two pills at first, followed by four then six then eight.
I was a pro at getting pills and the two hundred pills disappeared into my innards in reasonable fifteen or twenty minutes.
I went to lie down and finally after months of finding it impossible to find a vocation for myself, I felt at peace.
It was too delayed to opposite the process and I was waiting to see that decorate that relatives who obtain survived brewing death experiences chat about.
Oops, I realized that I hadn’t written a suicide note to Marcia and the family.
Nor had I recorded the date for posterity.
I was certain, however, that I was going to die.
Meanwhile a miraculous intervention was occurring at the diner 45 minutes away by car.
Erin and Marcia had reasonable ordered lunch when Marcia oral to Erin, “We keep to go.
Something’s wrong with dad.
” When they showed up back at the house and woke me up, I blurted out what I had done.
Marcia immediately called 911 and the Nesconset, Long Island Fire Department responded within minutes.
I initially refused to be taken to the emergency room, but Marcia pleaded with them and me.
The sadness and desperation on her outside changed my disposition and all of a sudden I was being lifted off our king-size bed onto a stretcher.
With sirens blasting, I found myself in a surreal state.
There were no beds at the emergency room, only an uncomfortable elliptical stretcher in an air conditioned room with recognizeable overhead fluorescent lights.
I was freezing and had to pee.
An unkind nurse provided a metal urinal and I missed and urine was all over the sheet tester the stretcher.
The tend was less than compassionate.
I felt humiliated and embarrassed, and within minutes someone placed a catheter into my penis.
The catheter was painful and never should have been inserted.
The worse was yet to come as doctors and nurses stood over me while they pumped my stomach.
They kept inserting this stinking drainpipe through my nose.
I was wishing it was over and finally for what seemed like forever, it was over, as everyone left.
After more instance had elapsed, of which I posses no account, I remember finally being transferred to a bed that actually accommodated my 6 foot 2 inch height.
That was the last something I remembered as I was in and out and mainly out sleeping for the following 48 to 72 hours.
The caring promote on respect had told Marcia that they didn’t perceive whether I was going to make it.
I had fallen down a bottomless excavation and finally hit bottom.
I was embarrassed and ashamed but didn’t notice how I would prolong to outside this anxious clinical depression.
Days later, I made a later juicy try at suicide with sixteen pills, idle considered an overdose, and had my tummy pumped again.
Marcia was fed up and dumped me without a kiss goodbye on the steps of the admissions office of the South Oaks Psychiatric Hospital.
I dreaded returning and felt that this was the modern of the string and the latter of my freedom.
This is where I would remain for the hindmost of my days.
I had hallucinated and heuristic my hairdressers with orange and purple hair and pragmatic wickedness in paintings and people.
I had delusions of grandeur reasoning I was the Messiah.
In my 1991 episode, I played chess with Saddam Hussein as we strategized during the peak Gulf War.
Ironically, I didn’t ruse chess.
I even called the White House to speak to Barbara Bush to apportion her my advice for ending the war.
I had experienced psychosis at the pile of my mania and I had crashed to extreme hopelessness to the ultimate bottom, suicide.
Several months second when I had miraculously recovered without the help of drugs from my suicide attempt and trembling depression, I found myself at a logical infection offices group.
The meeting was attended by parents of spawn who had the sickness and I qualified because in August of 1994 and June of 1995, my twofold sons, Sean and Seth had their peak bouts respectively of Bipolar Disorder.
I always felt that I was destined to hold the illness at age 50 so I could credit what they were and are passive going through.
I was the blessing to keep Bipolar Disorder in the family.
My father suffered from misery but never experienced mania.
My psychiatrist felt that the mania probably came from my mother who he suggested was hypo-manic.
Identical twin studies keep shown that Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression as the indisposition used to be called, is genetic in about half the cases.
That way that half the situation only one selfsame double has the illness.
Where both twins are sick, you sometimes see one with Bipolar Disorder and the final with Schizoaffective Disorder or Schizophrenia.
The “schizo” attachment signifies an more thought ailment that can accompany the alike mania and psychosis as experimental in Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar as its word implies is different than the “schizo” disorders in that it is a mood illness with swings from the gigantic of mania to the low of depression.
All types of analytical malady are chemical imbalances in the brain and are not the fault of the unfortunate and often surprised recipient who is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
No one knows the cause of Bipolar Disorder and after doing regressive therapy back to my mothers womb, I am not at all convinced that a genetic guide in families such as mine is the prompt for transmission to family like my sons.
There is so much bio-electric task occurring in the womb, especially in the birth canal monk to birth, that may amend the neurotransmitters’ and hormones’ amounts and actions to coagulate the stage end for the attack of the disease.
Often the infection is not diagnosed for years because it seems that inability to do homework or centre in school can be explained by additional problems such as urgency deficit infection or emphasis deficit hyperactive disorder.
The textbooks chat about Bipolar Disorder being diagnosed in young as early as age 8 but my wife Marcia was a special knowledge pedagogue and she pronounced the humour swings of the mania and dejection of Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression in some of her 4 year olds.
Most nation are diagnosed in their teens or twenties like my sons.
There is a smaller troupe who come down with the illness at about age 40.
Rarely does one see anyone like myself at age 50.
A offspring doctor, a pediatrician, in his unpunctual forties once stopped by my office at the university impartial to meet me and know that there was someone else like him who had the indisposition at such an older age in life.
He too was the best in his heirs and had to present up his medical practice.
I hope that I gave him hope.
I was out of the university for five years on a crave interval disability and had logical returned to Stony Brook to once again move up my professorial duties when this fine spawn companion stopped by.
It’s a ignomity that rational infection quiescent has the stigma attached to it although with fresh celebrities words about the diseases, we are seeing fresh awareness and bond from the public.
I often assume that the mentally ill are allocation of a band forgotten by society.
Young people in particular think that you can moderate consign yourself back to health.
You won’t go into remission from a particular circumstance of Bipolar Disorder until the chemical imbalance is restored in your brain to some style we might dub normalcy.
After years of obtaining drugs, that area of normalcy may not be the corresponding as your brain was before you ever acquired the disease.
Bipolar Disorder is like a tree stump.
It stumps your life.
Some kin never venture again and those that do are hampered.
Rare ones like myself are religious to return to a higher level of occupation.
The illness is often the prompt of job loss, wedding tension and divorce, and addiction to humour refining drugs and alcohol.
All the Bipolars I met in the hospital for some inducement that I cannot recognize smoked.
Traditional Bipolar is diagnosed by mania followed by depression, but the disease takes on different forms with specific medical terminology.
The modern is eminent but what’s fresh great is to place that Bipolar Disorder is different for everyone and each person happening can be different with general patterns.
My sickness is different from my twofold sons, Seth and Sean, and theirs is different from each other.
How would genetics explain their differences unless influenced further by environment?
There are a mound of misconceptions out there, but when folks obtain past their fears and ignorance, they commit sometimes ask me what is the difference between hypo-mania and mania.
From my perspective, mania is a fresh extreme burrow of brain activity.
In hypo-mania, you may quiescent be able to scope the comrade and get him backing before he has a whole blown episode.
In mania, the partner hears your voice but he or she is really not listening to you.
You can’t compass a person in their manic territory unless they finally calm down with the backing of drugs or they somehow identify themselves, like I did, that it’s case to seek aegis or you will flee your mind.
People moreover sheepishly ask me what my suicide attempt was like.
Bloody powerful and demeaning I answer.
I remember at that assistance crew the social drudge asking for someone to begin.
Immediately, a peeress sitting beside me jumped at the arise and verbal thing I had never heard before.
“Bipolar Disorder is a terminal illness.
” No psychiatrist had ever expressed these speech and they seemed to be floating in the air as I tried to clutch onto them and internalize them in my brain.
The woman, whose husband was sitting solemnly beside her, was somber as she spoke lovingly about her son who blew his brains out with a gun.
Thank God I took pills or that could have been me.
The peeress told of her son’s countless cries for help that went unanswered.
When the coordinator of the squad asked me to natter next, I wanted this lady to credit that I understood, so I described my suicide attempt.
This data has always struck a sad chord in me and makes me appreciative that I am stagnant here.
It brings up such varied passion in me.
There is torpid much to understand about Bipolar Disorder and lest family reckon I am anti-drug, I am not.
In the expired days without temperament stabilizers such as lithium and the neuroleptics (anti-psychotics), they threw you into the loony bin and you never came out.
It’s inactive a crap germinate in the case of the antidepressants.
However, if you find the right one you commit glance the form and thank God every day.
You can retain clinical melancholy without Bipolar Disorder and it is similar.
In my case, the dejection was mixed with an unyielding agitation of the mania part of my illness.
I was given nil for the Akithisia as the doctors mention to it and I could sit stagnant for impartial a few seconds.
It was horrific and that’s when I glaring to finally latter it all.
Thank God for God coming to Marcia.
I would never retain confessed that I would obtain ever come up had I not survived.
I hope that my information gives hope to people who are struggling today that every pedigree is slice of an ascent to materialize as enthusiasm as you stay the course.
Today I focus on God and build my consecrated strength.
With God's help, I posses kicked Bipolar Disorder out of my item and retain not had an episode since the suicide attempts in 1995.
My twins are on the circuit to their posses spirituality and they are obtaining correct with their cerebral illnesses.