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Bipolar Disorder: A Personal Story of Triumph Over Suicide and Mental Illness
It is my thought that as your Official Guide on Enlightenment, I should portion some of my personal background and experiences so that you can secure to understand me and understand where I stand.
I've had a life absolute of suffering but if you are to truly know blessings, you deprivation to go through suffering and exultation over it.
I personally don't assume you can overcome actual crises without acquiring spirituality.
If anyone wishes to results me, please email me at or term me at 561-735-7958
Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder
Like in Alcoholics Anonymous, I sometimes wanted to roar to the world, “I am a Bipolar. ” Why? Because I was drastic for help when I top contracted Bipolar Disease, but offices was not forthcoming. Oh yes, there were the electroshock treatments that in 1991 made me a blithering idiot or in 1995 temporarily lifted my jittery clinical dejection for one complete week before submerging me again in drudgery.
During this week of freedom, I was so gleeful that my misery had lifted that I stupidly gave up my wanting interval disability and retaliated to my professorial duties at Stony Brook University on Long Island, New York. When the hopelessness returned, all of a sudden I was elapsed from the university for a period that lasted five years.
I had to reapply and get re-approved for my want interval disability.
The paperwork should hold taken me at most a span of hours.
Instead like my original application, it took me three weeks.
That’s how heavy it was for me to do anything. It would be three years end before the ignomity of this sickness allowed me to once additional face my university colleagues through attending my fellow and colleague Bill’s retirement party.
From 1991 through 1995, I was hospitalized four to five times, each juncture for several weeks in three different hospitals.
I hated it each time.
I couldn’t wear my hairpiece and when that door locked me in the psychiatric ward, I knew I was trapped in a globe I detested.
Oftentimes, I would plan my avoid in that I would catch out the door with visitors after visiting hours, but I never found the courage to do so. Had I tried and failed, I envisioned being placed in a straightjacket like in the movies.
I had sunk pretty low from being an sage Professor scientist who now accepted his heap that this is the means his mislaid life would be from here on in.
In March of 1995, I tactical my suicide.
I had said to a patient in one of my hospital visits who described her suicide attempt with an overdose of pills.
She sighed when she told me that her experience was not a behalf one but I wasn’t listening. I had been a pill taker all my life, so I believed I finally had found a fashion out of a globe that was telling me that there was no routine out.
Only through Divine Providence of God coming to my wife Marcia am I alive today.
And I’m so miserable now that Marcia passed on March 18, 2011. She saved my life but I wasn’t able to save hers.
I took drugs for the voices I heard in my leader and for the psychosis that accompanied my mania. The team effects of the drugs were involuntary twitching of the lips, brain fog, and tremors to the dab that I could not badge my name.
The antidepressant drugs that I tried never worked and only months of the pathway of situation brought me out of my episodes of harsh clinical depression.
My only respite was the two hours of moor that I got from sheer prostration each night.
I’ve never figured out why accommodate was able to provide that relief but in retrospect, the doctors should have heavily sedated me with the most terrible sleeping pills.
After all, isn’t that what they do, operate drugs? The three different psychiatrists that I had during this juncture interval never really talked to me, never got at what I was feeling. Their role was to provide their patients with pharmaceuticals regardless of drug crew effects.
When all else failed, I resorted to suicide by swallowing 200 aspirin and codeine pills that my mother had brought me from Toronto. At the time, my wife Marcia and my youngest daughter Erin were shopping forty-five minutes away from our home.
They had no concept about what I had planned.
I opened the two bottles of pills and took one or two pills at first, followed by four then six then eight.
I was a pro at receipt pills and the two hundred pills disappeared into my belly in impartial fifteen or twenty minutes.
I went to lie down and finally after months of finding it impossible to find a niche for myself, I felt at peace.
It was too dilatory to inverse the process and I was waiting to see that embellish that relatives who hold survived looming death experiences prattle about.
Oops, I realized that I hadn’t written a suicide missive to Marcia and the family.
Nor had I recorded the date for posterity.
I was certain, however, that I was going to die.
Meanwhile a miraculous intervention was occurring at the diner 45 minutes away by car. Erin and Marcia had logical ordered lunch when Marcia uttered to Erin, “We have to go. Something’s wrong with dad.
” When they showed up back at the quarters and woke me up, I blurted out what I had done.
Marcia immediately called 911 and the Nesconset, Long Island Fire Department responded within minutes.
I initially refused to be taken to the emergency room, but Marcia pleaded with them and me.
The sadness and desperation on her front changed my attitude and all of a sudden I was being lifted off our king-size bed onto a stretcher. With sirens blasting, I found myself in a surreal state.
There were no beds at the emergency room, only an uncomfortable succinct stretcher in an harmonization conditioned room with recognizeable overhead fluorescent lights.
I was frosty and had to pee.
An unkind tend provided a metal urinal and I missed and urine was all over the sheet covering the stretcher. The nurture was less than compassionate.
I felt humiliated and embarrassed, and within minutes someone placed a catheter into my penis.
The catheter was painful and never should have been inserted.
The worse was yet to come as doctors and nurses stood over me while they pumped my stomach. They kept inserting this stinking pipe through my nose.
I was wishing it was over and finally for what seemed like forever, it was over, as everyone left.
After fresh time had elapsed, of which I obtain no account, I remember finally being transferred to a bed that actually accommodated my 6 foot 2 inch height.
That was the last object I remembered as I was in and out and mostly out sleeping for the later 48 to 72 hours.
The caring nurture on deference had told Marcia that they didn’t understand whether I was going to make it.
I had fallen down a bottomless hole and finally hit bottom. I was embarrassed and ashamed but didn’t comprehend how I would prolong to front this nervy clinical depression.
Days later, I made a end feeble try at suicide with sixteen pills, stagnant considered an overdose, and had my innards pumped again.
Marcia was fed up and dumped me without a neck goodbye on the steps of the admissions office of the South Oaks Psychiatric Hospital. I dreaded returning and felt that this was the closing of the column and the second of my freedom. This is where I would remain for the modern of my days.
I had hallucinated and pragmatic my hairdressers with orange and purple hair and seen badness in paintings and people.
I had delusions of grandeur mental I was the Messiah. In my 1991 episode, I played chess with Saddam Hussein as we strategized during the first Gulf War. Ironically, I didn’t manoeuvre chess.
I even called the White House to talk to Barbara Bush to allot her my advice for ending the war. I had experienced psychosis at the alp of my mania and I had crashed to harsh depression to the ultimate bottom, suicide.
Several months closing when I had miraculously recovered without the help of drugs from my suicide attempt and jittery depression, I found myself at a reasoning ailment aid group. The meeting was attended by parents of descendants who had the disorder and I qualified because in August of 1994 and June of 1995, my double sons, Sean and Seth had their blessing bouts respectively of Bipolar Disorder. I always felt that I was destined to own the indisposition at age 50 so I could accept what they were and are dormant going through. I was the peak to own Bipolar Disorder in the family.
My father suffered from melancholy but never experienced mania. My psychiatrist felt that the mania probably came from my mother who he suggested was hypo-manic. Identical banal studies retain shown that Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression as the malady used to be called, is genetic in about half the cases.
That fashion that half the time only one corresponding dual has the illness.
Where both twins are sick, you sometimes see one with Bipolar Disorder and the closing with Schizoaffective Disorder or Schizophrenia. The “schizo” attachment signifies an other notion infection that can accompany the alike mania and psychosis as experimental in Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar as its title implies is different than the “schizo” disorders in that it is a humour illness with swings from the lofty of mania to the low of depression.
All types of thinking illness are chemical imbalances in the brain and are not the slip of the unlucky and often surprised recipient who is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
No one knows the lead of Bipolar Disorder and after doing regressive therapy back to my mothers womb, I am not at all convinced that a genetic explanation in families such as mine is the cause for transmission to heirs like my sons.
There is so much bio-electric job occurring in the womb, especially in the birth canal friar to birth, that may correct the neurotransmitters’ and hormones’ amounts and actions to form the stage closing for the inception of the disease.
Often the indisposition is not diagnosed for years because it seems that inability to do homework or fulcrum in school can be explained by supplementary problems such as accent deficit ailment or priority deficit hyperactive disorder. The textbooks natter about Bipolar Disorder being diagnosed in spawn as early as age 8 but my wife Marcia was a special enlightenment teacher and she decided the mind swings of the mania and despair of Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression in some of her 4 year olds.
Most humans are diagnosed in their teens or twenties like my sons.
There is a smaller band who come down with the ailment at about age 40. Rarely does one see anyone like myself at age 50. A issue doctor, a pediatrician, in his late forties once stopped by my office at the university impartial to meet me and comprehend that there was someone else like him who had the infection at such an older age in life.
He too was the prime in his spawn and had to present up his medical practice.
I hope that I gave him hope.
I was out of the university for five years on a long duration disability and had logical common to Stony Brook to once again bear up my professorial duties when this fine descendants individual stopped by.
It’s a dishonour that logical illness inactive has the stigma attached to it although with additional celebrities words about the diseases, we are seeing further awareness and harmony from the public. I often surmise that the mentally ill are measure of a party forgotten by society.
Young kin in particular conjecture that you can moderate will yourself back to health. You cannot.
You won’t go into remission from a particular afair of Bipolar Disorder until the chemical imbalance is restored in your brain to some way we might denominate normalcy.
After years of receiving drugs, that state of normalcy may not be the duplicate as your brain was before you ever acquired the disease.
Bipolar Disorder is like a tree stump. It stumps your life.
Some relatives never work again and those that do are hampered.
Rare ones like myself are blessed to return to a higher standard of occupation.
The disorder is often the front of venture loss, marital tension and divorce, and addiction to attitude refashioning drugs and alcohol. All the Bipolars I met in the hospital for some inducement that I cannot recognize smoked.
Traditional Bipolar is diagnosed by mania followed by depression, but the indisposition takes on different forms with specific medical terminology.
The modern is noted but what’s further famous is to recall that Bipolar Disorder is different for everyone and each friend circumstance can be different with normal patterns.
My illness is different from my paired sons, Seth and Sean, and theirs is different from each other. How would genetics explain their differences unless influenced moreover by environment?
There are a heap of misconceptions out there, but when family earn ended their fears and ignorance, they entrust sometimes ask me what is the difference between hypo-mania and mania. From my perspective, mania is a fresh forceful haunt of brain activity.
In hypo-mania, you may quiescent be able to scale the man and secure him aid before he has a absolute blown episode.
In mania, the individual hears your voice but he or she is really not listening to you. You can’t reach a fellow in their manic field unless they finally calmness down with the offices of drugs or they somehow place themselves, like I did, that it’s situation to seek offices or you commit elude your mind.
People furthermore sheepishly ask me what my suicide attempt was like.
Bloody dreadful and demeaning I answer. I remember at that aid group the social workman asking for someone to begin.
Immediately, a woman sitting beside me jumped at the happen and oral article I had never heard before.
“Bipolar Disorder is a terminal illness.
” No psychiatrist had ever expressed these speech and they seemed to be floating in the air as I tried to clutch onto them and internalize them in my brain.
The woman, whose husband was sitting solemnly beside her, was somber as she spoke lovingly about her son who blew his brains out with a gun.
Thank God I took pills or that could retain been me.
The peeress told of her son’s countless cries for support that went unanswered.
When the coordinator of the bunch asked me to speak next, I wanted this lady to conjecture that I understood, so I described my suicide attempt.
This facts has always struck a sad chord in me and makes me grateful that I am inactive here.
It brings up such assorted feelings in me.
There is quiescent much to conjecture about Bipolar Disorder and lest connections assume I am anti-drug, I am not.
In the invalid days without temperament stabilizers such as lithium and the neuroleptics (anti-psychotics), they threw you into the loony bin and you never came out.
It’s torpid a crap burgeon in the juncture of the antidepressants.
However, if you find the remedy one you commit smooch the lair and thank God every day.
You can obtain clinical melancholy without Bipolar Disorder and it is similar. In my case, the melancholy was varying with an unyielding agitation of the mania allowance of my illness.
I was given zero for the Akithisia as the doctors consult to it and I could sit passive for impartial a few seconds.
It was horrific and that’s when I recognizeable to finally final it all. Thank God for God coming to Marcia. I would never retain recognized that I would keep ever come up had I not survived.
I hope that my data gives hope to connections who are struggling today that every parentage is portion of an ascent to chance as wanting as you stay the course.
Today I fulcrum on God and build my consecrated strength. With God's help, I retain kicked Bipolar Disorder out of my article and posses not had an episode since the suicide attempts in 1995. My twins are on the trajectory to their keep spirituality and they are acceptance reform with their analytical illnesses.