In My Home Dog Minding In Dublin
In My Home Dog Minding In Dublin
Bipolar Disorder: A Personal Story of Triumph Over Suicide and Mental Illness
It is my concept that as your Official Guide on Enlightenment, I should portion some of my personal background and experiences so that you can get to know me and perceive where I stand.
I've had a life complete of suffering but if you are to truly know blessings, you scarcity to go through suffering and triumph over it.
I personally don't suppose you can overcome legitimate crises without acquiring spirituality.
If anyone wishes to results me, please email me at or designate me at 561-735-7958
Manic Depression or Bipolar Disorder
Like in Alcoholics Anonymous, I sometimes wanted to howl to the world, “I am a Bipolar.
” Why? Because I was radical for help when I boon contracted Bipolar Disease, but offices was not forthcoming.
Oh yes, there were the electroshock treatments that in 1991 made me a blithering idiot or in 1995 temporarily lifted my jittery clinical despair for one flawless week before submerging me again in drudgery.
During this week of freedom, I was so carefree that my hopelessness had lifted that I stupidly gave up my enthusiasm phrase disability and reciprocal to my professorial duties at Stony Brook University on Long Island, New York.
When the hopelessness returned, all of a sudden I was bygone from the university for a period that lasted five years.
I had to reapply and gain re-approved for my enthusiasm term disability.
The paperwork should own taken me at most a duo of hours.
Instead like my original application, it took me three weeks.
That’s how arduous it was for me to do anything.
It would be three years hindmost before the disgrace of this ailment allowed me to once fresh face my university colleagues through attending my partner and colleague Bill’s retirement party.
From 1991 through 1995, I was hospitalized four to five times, each occasion for several weeks in three different hospitals.
I hated it each time.
I couldn’t wear my hairpiece and when that door locked me in the psychiatric ward, I knew I was trapped in a universe I detested.
Oftentimes, I would ploy my evade in that I would fastening out the door with visitors after visiting hours, but I never found the courage to do so.
Had I tried and failed, I envisioned being placed in a straightjacket like in the movies.
I had sunk pretty low from being an learned Professor scientist who now accepted his heap that this is the fashion his absent life would be from here on in.
In March of 1995, I planned my suicide.
I had oral to a patient in one of my hospital visits who described her suicide attempt with an overdose of pills.
She sighed when she told me that her experience was not a wellbeing one but I wasn’t listening.
I had been a tablet taker all my life, so I believed I finally had found a method out of a cosmos that was telling me that there was no practice out.
Only through Divine Providence of God coming to my wife Marcia am I alive today.
And I’m so gloomy now that Marcia passed on March 18, 2011.
She saved my life but I wasn’t able to reprocess hers.
I took drugs for the voices I heard in my master and for the psychosis that accompanied my mania.
The band effects of the drugs were involuntary twitching of the lips, brain fog, and tremors to the dab that I could not image my name.
The antidepressant drugs that I tried never worked and only months of the lane of situation brought me out of my episodes of harsh clinical depression.
My only respite was the two hours of accommodate that I got from sheer enervate each night.
I’ve never figured out why dock was able to provide that relief but in retrospect, the doctors should keep heavily sedated me with the most dreadful sleeping pills.
After all, isn’t that what they do, manage drugs? The three different psychiatrists that I had during this instance expression never really talked to me, never got at what I was feeling.
Their role was to provide their patients with pharmaceuticals regardless of drug team effects.
When all else failed, I resorted to suicide by swallowing 200 aspirin and codeine pills that my mother had brought me from Toronto.
At the time, my wife Marcia and my youngest daughter Erin were shopping forty-five minutes away from our home.
They had no concept about what I had planned.
I opened the two bottles of pills and took one or two pills at first, followed by four then six then eight.
I was a pro at recipience pills and the two hundred pills disappeared into my intestines in just fifteen or twenty minutes.
I went to lie down and finally after months of finding it impossible to find a calling for myself, I felt at peace.
It was too slow to reverse the process and I was waiting to see that light that kin who hold survived looming death experiences gossip about.
Oops, I realized that I hadn’t written a suicide memorandum to Marcia and the family.
Nor had I recorded the date for posterity.
I was certain, however, that I was going to die.
Meanwhile a miraculous intervention was occurring at the diner 45 minutes away by car.
Erin and Marcia had equitable ordered lunch when Marcia oral to Erin, “We own to go.
Something’s wrong with dad.
” When they showed up back at the quarters and woke me up, I blurted out what I had done.
Marcia immediately called 911 and the Nesconset, Long Island Fire Department responded within minutes.
I initially refused to be taken to the emergency room, but Marcia pleaded with them and me.
The sadness and desperation on her guise changed my temper and all of a sudden I was being lifted off our king-size bed onto a stretcher.
With sirens blasting, I found myself in a surreal state.
There were no beds at the emergency room, only an uncomfortable brief stretcher in an orchestration conditioned room with noted overhead fluorescent lights.
I was icy and had to pee.
An unkind tend provided a metal urinal and I missed and urine was all over the sheet tester the stretcher.
The promote was less than compassionate.
I felt humiliated and embarrassed, and within minutes someone placed a catheter into my penis.
The catheter was painful and never should keep been inserted.
The worse was yet to come as doctors and nurses stood over me while they pumped my stomach.
They kept inserting this stinking drainpipe through my nose.
I was wishing it was over and finally for what seemed like forever, it was over, as everyone left.
After more point had elapsed, of which I have no account, I remember finally being transferred to a bed that actually accommodated my 6 foot 2 inch height.
That was the last object I remembered as I was in and out and mainly out sleeping for the following 48 to 72 hours.
The caring doctor on malleability had told Marcia that they didn’t recognize whether I was going to make it.
I had fallen down a bottomless hole and finally hit bottom.
I was embarrassed and ashamed but didn’t understand how I would preserve to guise this nervy clinical depression.
Days later, I made a hindmost easily try at suicide with sixteen pills, quiescent considered an overdose, and had my paunch pumped again.
Marcia was fed up and dumped me without a kiss goodbye on the steps of the admissions office of the South Oaks Psychiatric Hospital.
I dreaded returning and felt that this was the hindmost of the column and the hindmost of my freedom.
This is where I would remain for the end of my days.
I had hallucinated and experimental my hairdressers with orange and purple hair and empitic impurity in paintings and people.
I had delusions of grandeur mental I was the Messiah.
In my 1991 episode, I played chess with Saddam Hussein as we strategized during the blessing Gulf War.
Ironically, I didn’t play chess.
I even called the White House to chat to Barbara Bush to present her my advice for ending the war.
I had experienced psychosis at the alp of my mania and I had crashed to desperate melancholy to the ultimate bottom, suicide.
Several months closing when I had miraculously recovered without the offices of drugs from my suicide attempt and anxious depression, I found myself at a mental ailment offices group.
The meeting was attended by parents of spawn who had the indisposition and I qualified because in August of 1994 and June of 1995, my twin sons, Sean and Seth had their best bouts respectively of Bipolar Disorder.
I always felt that I was destined to keep the indisposition at age 50 so I could conjecture what they were and are idle going through.
I was the blessing to have Bipolar Disorder in the family.
My father suffered from melancholy but never experienced mania.
My psychiatrist felt that the mania probably came from my mother who he suggested was hypo-manic.
Identical paired studies retain shown that Bipolar Disorder, or Manic Depression as the sickness used to be called, is genetic in about half the cases.
That method that half the circumstance only one selfsame twofold has the illness.
Where both twins are sick, you sometimes see one with Bipolar Disorder and the final with Schizoaffective Disorder or Schizophrenia.
The “schizo” attachment signifies an supplementary impression ailment that can accompany the alike mania and psychosis as empitic in Bipolar Disorder.
Bipolar as its duration implies is different than the “schizo” disorders in that it is a mind indisposition with swings from the big of mania to the low of depression.
All types of cerebral indisposition are chemical imbalances in the brain and are not the blunder of the unlucky and often surprised recipient who is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.
No one knows the vanguard of Bipolar Disorder and after doing regressive therapy back to my mothers womb, I am not at all convinced that a genetic solution in families such as mine is the front for transmission to issue like my sons.
There is so much bio-electric task occurring in the womb, especially in the birth canal abbot to birth, that may change the neurotransmitters’ and hormones’ amounts and actions to congeal the stage end for the attack of the disease.
Often the indisposition is not diagnosed for years because it seems that inability to do homework or spindle in school can be explained by further problems such as emphasis deficit indisposition or attention deficit hyperactive disorder.
The textbooks gossip about Bipolar Disorder being diagnosed in issue as early as age 8 but my wife Marcia was a special knowledge teacher and she pronounced the temper swings of the mania and melancholy of Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depression in some of her 4 year olds.
Most tribe are diagnosed in their teens or twenties like my sons.
There is a smaller squad who come down with the malady at about age 40.
Rarely does one see anyone like myself at age 50.
A offspring doctor, a pediatrician, in his unpunctual forties once stopped by my office at the university reasonable to meet me and understand that there was someone else like him who had the infection at such an older age in life.
He too was the finest in his descendants and had to donate up his medical practice.
I hope that I gave him hope.
I was out of the university for five years on a wanting expression disability and had unbiased shared to Stony Brook to once again carry up my professorial duties when this fine offspring fellow stopped by.
It’s a disgrace that rational ailment idle has the stigma attached to it although with fresh celebrities utterance about the diseases, we are seeing fresh awareness and sympathy from the public.
I often suppose that the mentally ill are allowance of a squad forgotten by society.
Young people in particular imagine that you can reasonable will yourself back to health.
You won’t go into remission from a particular occurrence of Bipolar Disorder until the chemical imbalance is restored in your brain to some fashion we might entitle normalcy.
After years of taking drugs, that field of normalcy may not be the corresponding as your brain was before you ever acquired the disease.
Bipolar Disorder is like a tree stump.
It stumps your life.
Some kinsfolk never undertaking again and those that do are hampered.
Rare ones like myself are holy to return to a higher superiority of occupation.
The indisposition is often the sway of undertaking loss, nuptial tension and divorce, and addiction to humour adjustment drugs and alcohol.
All the Bipolars I met in the hospital for some impetus that I cannot notice smoked.
Traditional Bipolar is diagnosed by mania followed by depression, but the sickness takes on different forms with specific medical terminology.
The hindmost is celebrated but what’s further famous is to place that Bipolar Disorder is different for everyone and each person adventure can be different with standard patterns.
My malady is different from my dual sons, Seth and Sean, and theirs is different from each other.
How would genetics explain their differences unless influenced besides by environment?
There are a mountain of misconceptions out there, but when people achieve bygone their fears and ignorance, they entrust sometimes ask me what is the difference between hypo-mania and mania.
From my perspective, mania is a supplementary forceful earth of brain activity.
In hypo-mania, you may idle be able to scale the person and earn him assistance before he has a absolute blown episode.
In mania, the friend hears your voice but he or she is really not listening to you.
You can’t radius a fellow in their manic sector unless they finally quiet down with the offices of drugs or they somehow know themselves, like I did, that it’s case to seek assistance or you bequeath avoid your mind.
People further sheepishly ask me what my suicide attempt was like.
Bloody formidable and demeaning I answer.
I remember at that backing band the social worker asking for someone to begin.
Immediately, a duchess sitting beside me jumped at the befall and said device I had never heard before.
“Bipolar Disorder is a terminal illness.
” No psychiatrist had ever expressed these speech and they seemed to be floating in the music as I tried to arrest onto them and internalize them in my brain.
The woman, whose husband was sitting solemnly beside her, was somber as she spoke lovingly about her son who blew his brains out with a gun.
Thank God I took pills or that could obtain been me.
The noblewoman told of her son’s countless cries for backing that went unanswered.
When the coordinator of the troupe asked me to gibber next, I wanted this lady to conjecture that I understood, so I described my suicide attempt.
This news has always struck a blue chord in me and makes me grateful that I am idle here.
It brings up such mixed affection in me.
There is inactive much to conjecture about Bipolar Disorder and lest family think I am anti-drug, I am not.
In the former days without humour stabilizers such as lithium and the neuroleptics (anti-psychotics), they threw you into the loony bin and you never came out.
It’s idle a crap bud in the case of the antidepressants.
However, if you find the redress one you consign snog the den and thank God every day.
You can retain clinical dejection without Bipolar Disorder and it is similar.
In my case, the dejection was diverse with an unyielding agitation of the mania slice of my illness.
I was given nothingness for the Akithisia as the doctors refer to it and I could sit still for fair a few seconds.
It was horrific and that’s when I marked to finally end it all.
Thank God for God coming to Marcia.
I would never posses admitted that I would keep ever come up had I not survived.
I hope that my data gives hope to folks who are struggling today that every descent is allowance of an ascent to transpire as wanting as you stay the course.
Today I spindle on God and build my sanctified strength.
With God's help, I keep kicked Bipolar Disorder out of my phenomenon and have not had an happening since the suicide attempts in 1995.
My twins are on the circle to their have spirituality and they are receipt change with their cerebral illnesses.